The Cost of Being the Good Girl: People-Pleasing, Perfectionism, and How to Stop

We were raised to be “good.” Smile, agree, achieve, and never make anyone uncomfortable. It looked like praise on the outside, but inside it created a contract: my worth equals how useful, polite, or perfect I am.

That contract follows us into adulthood as people-pleasing and perfectionism. Always scanning: What do they want from me? How do I stay liked? What if I disappoint?

The cost? Anxiety, resentment, exhaustion, and a quiet death of self.

The Real Problem with People-Pleasing

People think people-pleasing is about kindness. It’s not. It’s a survival strategy: keep the peace, avoid rejection, secure belonging. But belonging built on performance is counterfeit. The more you please, the more invisible you become.

And here’s the uncomfortable truth: people-pleasing is often less altruistic than it looks. It’s not always about caring for others—it’s about managing our image. “If I keep everyone happy, they’ll like me. If I’m agreeable, I won’t be rejected.” That’s not kindness; that’s control. In this way, people-pleasing carries a streak of narcissism: it’s more about our need to be liked than about genuine generosity.

Seeing this clearly can be liberating. If it’s not selfless kindness, you’re not betraying goodness by letting it go. You’re simply giving up a performance that never worked.

The Trap of Perfectionism

Perfectionism works the same way. It whispers: If I get this flawless, no one can criticize me. The trap? No one notices the “perfect”—they only notice the absence of you.

Three Sharper Moves Out of the Trap

1. Call the Contract.
Write down the unspoken rule you live by: “If I say no, I’ll be abandoned.” “If I’m not perfect, I’m worthless.” Naming the contract exposes it as conditioning—not identity.

2. Make Small Disappointments on Purpose.
People-pleasers avoid conflict like it’s poison. Try micro-doses: let an email sit unanswered, say “no” to a small favor, let someone frown. Watch the world not end. That’s nervous system training, not rebellion.

3. Swap Perfection for Precision.
Instead of “I need this flawless,” ask: What’s actually required here? Most of the time, 80% is enough. Save your brilliance for what matters, not for polishing crumbs.

A Few Reminders Worth Pinning

• Boundaries are not cruelty; they’re clarity.

• Someone else’s disappointment is not your debt.

• You don’t get loved more for saying yes more.

• Approval is rented. Integrity is owned.

• You matter. Even when you’re imperfect.

Breaking the “good girl” spell is uncomfortable—but so is suffocating in it. If you’re tired of people-pleasing and perfection running your life, book an Insight Call. This is the work I do every week: fast, precise, and lighter than you expect.
As a recovering perfectionist myself, I made this short video. I hope it lifts your spirits. You are not alone.