Confidence Is the Wrong Product

We’re told we need more confidence, like we’re told we need more calcium — an essential nutrient, always in short supply, sold in chewable tablets by whoever’s marketing it this week. Books promise to boost it. Workshops vow to build it. Coaches, therapists, and LinkedIn gurus all agree: if you just had more confidence, everything would finally click into place.

It’s a comforting idea — and a profitable one. But it’s also wrong.

Confidence isn’t the thing you’re missing. It’s the receipt that shows up once the real work is done. Treating it as the goal is like trying to buy happiness by ordering extra packaging — it’s backwards.

You’ve probably Googled “how to feel more confident” at some point, hoping for the trick you’re missing. And yet, despite all the hacks and tips, the self-doubt lingers. Here’s the uncomfortable truth: most of what keeps you from feeling confident isn’t a lack of something. It’s the presence of too much. Too much noise. Too much second-guessing. There are too many inherited rules about who you should be, how you should act, and what’s “acceptable.” Too many small humiliations absorbed over the years until they calcify into self-doubt.

And when the world shouts “build self-confidence,” what they’re really saying is, layer more on top of the mess. Push harder. Shout louder. Pretend better.

But here’s the thing no one tells you: real confidence — the kind that lasts — isn’t built. It’s revealed when you clear away everything that’s been sitting on top of it.

That’s where my work lives. Everyone else adds. I take things away. I strip out the reflexive shame, the invisible weight, the stale stories running the show. Not to manufacture confidence, but to make space for what’s already there.

And when space opens up, surprising things happen. The shift rarely arrives with fireworks. It doesn’t announce itself as a grand breakthrough. It tends to slip in quietly, disguised as obvious next steps. One day, the job that felt like a life sentence is over. A move abroad that once seemed terrifying is suddenly booked. A relationship that’s been draining for years simply ends. And more often than not, it’s only in hindsight that people notice something fundamental has shifted — that the weight they carried isn’t there anymore.

This is why so much “confidence coaching” misses the mark. It’s not that the techniques are useless — it’s that they’re solving the wrong problem. You don’t need to add confidence; you need to remove what’s blocking it. Once the noise is gone, the quiet certainty underneath is free to breathe.

So no, you probably don’t need another mindset tool or affirmation app. You need less interference. Less noise between you and your own judgment. Less inherited crap blocking the path between who you are now and how you want to feel tomorrow.

And once those layers are gone? Confidence stops being a goal. It becomes the side-effect of being unburdened.

It’s not about adding what you lack. It’s about removing what never belonged.

If you’re tired of collecting more tools and tricks that never quite reach the root, you can start differently. My work is about clearing what’s in the way — quietly, precisely, and for good. You can find out what that looks like here.